Honestly

Woke up in the middle of a dream where I was talking to someone who was sitting in a chair and taking notes. Face cannot be seen, Just a silhouette of a smoking man taking notes. Woke up in a fever sweat, hours ago having the cold shivers and yesterday having some really back breaking shakes. I told myself to go back to sleep but I gotta cough out this tar in my lungs. Not really tar, I just, well, The faint words in my head went like, Too old to make a difference, too young to even see it. That doesn't make sense. It really doesn't. This fever almost killed me. Yeah an exaggeration but really, what script of a movie hasn't been stretched for comedys sake. Shoot, That wasn't even a funny joke. Anthony Bourdain gets to travel the world, seeking the best food and trying them, seeing such beautiful places, because he wrote a good book. A Cooks Tour in japan is playing right now but it's on mute. I miss Japan. I've seen this episode a lot of times just because I miss Japan. Even though my version of that land is one where it's a mix of western and eastern culture. 8 A.M. to 5 P.M., Sometimes to 6, We would be in an american school with a touch of Japanese culture class. We'd hang out at the Base Exchange after class sometimes, Maybe the laundromat next to this place called The Tiki, A long building that had a Baskin Robins, Anthonys Pizza, Franks Franks, Robin Hoods, and a few arcade cabinets. I was a picky eater back then when I was a child, Grade 1 to 4 and looking back, Well, I love pizza now, but back then when I would get served pizza I would take out the cheese and just have the sauce and bread. I love Mash now but before thought it was absolutely disgusting. McDomalds Chicken Nuggets, I could go for 20 pieces right about now, but before? I would just eat the skin. I was retarded back then and I guess I still am. Yeah I'm pretty dumb. I thought I was smart. I thought I had talent. I thought my words typed meant something to someone out there. But on the internet, Everyone is a writer. And most are just not good. All I do is whine about the state of things around me yet I do nothing. I sit in front of the PC screen, stuck on facebook hoping things will change. Nothing will change if you do nothing. I learned too late. I whine about something about me, being insecure and what not I guess. I expect the world to take me in for who I am. I was always told to be myself. What if what I am is just not what the world wants? They say I shouldn't care about these things, being accepted and such, but it honestly gets lonely, having no one visit you, no one asking you to go out with them, asking for your presence. And here I go again, Whining. This is how I feel. But really, does anyone want to know that? Does anyone really want to read someone in their mid 20s go on and on about nothing that will change the world, about something so selfish as acceptance? Yeah Tunay Na Lalaki. They seem to have it easy, They don't really think about the evils of the world, just about getting laid and being cool with their friends, getting high and shit. Is this really an evil world I'm living in? Or am I just making it bad in my own eyes? I'm nowhere close to Libyas war or Africas starving children. First world problems. Okay I know we're in a third world country, But I am complaining about things on a computer, in an air-conditioned room, A bag of cheese roller coaster next to my speakers, but not eating it because I am sick but I'm getting because I took medicine. Do I really have a right to complain? Do we really have the time to read this. And for some reason a few weeks back I thought I was running out of time. I am not done with college, I am getting older and I need money to live. I don't want to be like the dudes in this town that drink every night with the allowance their mothers give them, because they have no jobs. How will I buy new video games with no income? Those guys must enjoy their life. No work yet they are still able to get drunk and have fun every night because someone has the cash to buy their habits. This guy I know is around 30 and thats how he lives. Not a care in the world because he has his friends and drinks with him every night, yet he lives with his mom who gives him what he wants. Whining again. I was once told that in order to be happy in this town I should just be content with what I have. But how is it even possible to do so in this place. They're either a walking contradiction, A party bum, a wanna be city slut, Parasite leeches, They have no hearts and no need to move out of this place because theyre getting enough rockstar blowjobs here, It gets tiring when I'm the only one who knows what a Broken Social Scene is, And it gets lonely when I'm the only one with this mindset and stories of travel. I tell people about the things I have been a part of when someone wants to listen, but I stop mid way when their face turns to disbelief. I only tell the truth and they asked. I wonder why they don't believe me when I tell them that I've been in a band that's had 2 gigs every month for a whole year, Most of the time without us being informed before hand. I wonder why they don't believe me when I tell them that I know this guy who is 45 years old and still an educated punk rock kind of person. Sometimes I think its because in this town, You are nothing if you are overweight. Maybe its my lack of pictures, of hard data proof to back up what I say. I'm pretty sure I haven't stretched anything just to impress. I wonder why they look at me like that. I wonder how anybody can be content with this town. I remember how she rested her head on my shoulder, watching the still ocean water with the port docked ships in view. I was worried that I'm out of time, but she told me that her dad finished college at around 45 or something, same as mine. Her family lives a sheltered happy life. I wonder how he did it. The only rush I am in right now is to get out of this town and not come back to the streets that have no love for a boy who only wants more. But what will happen to me. I think I've got the plan down. Work for the next 2 years, Take up a certain college course that I want to take in Manila at some university with a name. Hell, I might as well just try to get in right? There is this one person who set my life straight, not by pushing or prodding, but by having faith in me that I can be better than I am now. I just need to level up and unlock the necessary skillZ. My fear of being older was taken away. Oh but I am also illiterate yet constantly pushed to write in something I haven't updated in a year. I'd read more books if I was given a place to read and buy them. Paper is comforting, Soothing. That musty smell and the ink is something special. Do I tend to dwell too much on small things? Is that a bad habit? I think a lot of people view me as retarded and delusional. I make more masturbation jokes then what is deemed healthy I guess. I noticed something, I am a god damn saint in video games that give you moral choices. Like in Mass Effect 2, Star Wars Knights Of The Old Republic and the like. I laugh at the actions I can do, like running my lightsaber through the unsuspecting civilian, but I instead choose to help them cross the street. And I can't help it. The mission would be over quicker if I just shoot the captive criminal in the head instead of asking them who their leader is, But I just can't do it. I have a 50% paragon rating in Mass Effect 2 now, In Fallout 3 I didn't I disarmed the Nuke in Megaton and I tried to save everyone in the vault. But in real life, I don't give money to street children and I laugh when someone spills milk. I don't think I'm an uber asshole though. Probably more Chaotic Neutral. But in video games? Sheesh. I'm a runner up for the next pope. Only the lonesome love us. Only the careless can handle us. I'm not sad anymore. I'm just tired of this place. Not throwing stones at you anymore. Used to be one of the rotten ones and he liked you for that. Now you're all gone, Got your make up on and you're not coming back. This is an essay on someone who is just fucked up in their head. I guess. Or maybe this is just what honesty is really like.