I lost it.

I have no idea what to listen to as I type this. I haven't heard a newly discovered song for months now. I'd like to have a drink of alcohol but moral standards, pleas, and self-pity are stopping me. Everyday I am reminded that I am sub-par to the norm. Maybe not even below average but below even that lowpoint. It's been going on for months now. A constant bashing on my already low self-esteem. Being reminded that I really am nothing when I thought I was a bit more special, even to myself. I thought it was just the world around me that was becoming empty. Black and white and gray. What have I done to color it. Nothing. I sat down and dreamed of it. Nothing will come to that. We realize that and we proceed to beat it into my head more. We laugh at me, not with me anymore. Just because I misspelled the word Deceive. Not just laughed but got a verbal liver punch for the mistake, Then a fast count to ten to keep me down for the next 6 months or so.  Not everyone is as strong as you, smart as you. Not everyone has a heart like you. But it turns out that we can have that heart and brain and not just dream those notes away. Not everyone has the artist hands like you but we can try and we can learn. Not everyone has a chance. It's why I stopped typing things here. Who really cares about what I write when I can keep it to myself. Writing. I thought I was good at it. I thought I was able to grasp it. I was going to do this on a daily basis. or weekly. Then life became a routine that must be followed to be able to get anywhere. Then I erased myself from your eyes and memories. Because you made me feel that it will be better off this way. I miss someone, and he might be coming back here in a few weeks. But I have to leave and not see him to prove that I love the other. I'm going to see my first wedding soon but I shouldn't go if I want her to know that I love her, and not the company that I have been keeping. An empty picture that doesn't use the best technology proves nothing. Maybe the picture just wasn't good. Until you see it on someone elses Deviantart page claiming credit. I haven't written anything since I was told that I am no good by her. Grammar errors here and there, I am not a scholar. But that is not an excuse.

I'm reminded of that, I have more to say, but I will stop again. It isn't really worth it anymore.


I lost it.