We will never be what you want the world to be.

Writing in a notebook. Looking for a job and doing badly at work. I don't know where to go. Never ever dreamt of what true love can say.

Honestly

Woke up in the middle of a dream where I was talking to someone who was sitting in a chair and taking notes. Face cannot be seen, Just a silhouette of a smoking man taking notes. Woke up in a fever sweat, hours ago having the cold shivers and yesterday having some really back breaking shakes. I told myself to go back to sleep but I gotta cough out this tar in my lungs. Not really tar, I just, well, The faint words in my head went like, Too old to make a difference, too young to even see it. That doesn't make sense. It really doesn't. This fever almost killed me. Yeah an exaggeration but really, what script of a movie hasn't been stretched for comedys sake. Shoot, That wasn't even a funny joke. Anthony Bourdain gets to travel the world, seeking the best food and trying them, seeing such beautiful places, because he wrote a good book. A Cooks Tour in japan is playing right now but it's on mute. I miss Japan. I've seen this episode a lot of times just because I miss Japan. Even though my version of that land is one where it's a mix of western and eastern culture. 8 A.M. to 5 P.M., Sometimes to 6, We would be in an american school with a touch of Japanese culture class. We'd hang out at the Base Exchange after class sometimes, Maybe the laundromat next to this place called The Tiki, A long building that had a Baskin Robins, Anthonys Pizza, Franks Franks, Robin Hoods, and a few arcade cabinets. I was a picky eater back then when I was a child, Grade 1 to 4 and looking back, Well, I love pizza now, but back then when I would get served pizza I would take out the cheese and just have the sauce and bread. I love Mash now but before thought it was absolutely disgusting. McDomalds Chicken Nuggets, I could go for 20 pieces right about now, but before? I would just eat the skin. I was retarded back then and I guess I still am. Yeah I'm pretty dumb. I thought I was smart. I thought I had talent. I thought my words typed meant something to someone out there. But on the internet, Everyone is a writer. And most are just not good. All I do is whine about the state of things around me yet I do nothing. I sit in front of the PC screen, stuck on facebook hoping things will change. Nothing will change if you do nothing. I learned too late. I whine about something about me, being insecure and what not I guess. I expect the world to take me in for who I am. I was always told to be myself. What if what I am is just not what the world wants? They say I shouldn't care about these things, being accepted and such, but it honestly gets lonely, having no one visit you, no one asking you to go out with them, asking for your presence. And here I go again, Whining. This is how I feel. But really, does anyone want to know that? Does anyone really want to read someone in their mid 20s go on and on about nothing that will change the world, about something so selfish as acceptance? Yeah Tunay Na Lalaki. They seem to have it easy, They don't really think about the evils of the world, just about getting laid and being cool with their friends, getting high and shit. Is this really an evil world I'm living in? Or am I just making it bad in my own eyes? I'm nowhere close to Libyas war or Africas starving children. First world problems. Okay I know we're in a third world country, But I am complaining about things on a computer, in an air-conditioned room, A bag of cheese roller coaster next to my speakers, but not eating it because I am sick but I'm getting because I took medicine. Do I really have a right to complain? Do we really have the time to read this. And for some reason a few weeks back I thought I was running out of time. I am not done with college, I am getting older and I need money to live. I don't want to be like the dudes in this town that drink every night with the allowance their mothers give them, because they have no jobs. How will I buy new video games with no income? Those guys must enjoy their life. No work yet they are still able to get drunk and have fun every night because someone has the cash to buy their habits. This guy I know is around 30 and thats how he lives. Not a care in the world because he has his friends and drinks with him every night, yet he lives with his mom who gives him what he wants. Whining again. I was once told that in order to be happy in this town I should just be content with what I have. But how is it even possible to do so in this place. They're either a walking contradiction, A party bum, a wanna be city slut, Parasite leeches, They have no hearts and no need to move out of this place because theyre getting enough rockstar blowjobs here, It gets tiring when I'm the only one who knows what a Broken Social Scene is, And it gets lonely when I'm the only one with this mindset and stories of travel. I tell people about the things I have been a part of when someone wants to listen, but I stop mid way when their face turns to disbelief. I only tell the truth and they asked. I wonder why they don't believe me when I tell them that I've been in a band that's had 2 gigs every month for a whole year, Most of the time without us being informed before hand. I wonder why they don't believe me when I tell them that I know this guy who is 45 years old and still an educated punk rock kind of person. Sometimes I think its because in this town, You are nothing if you are overweight. Maybe its my lack of pictures, of hard data proof to back up what I say. I'm pretty sure I haven't stretched anything just to impress. I wonder why they look at me like that. I wonder how anybody can be content with this town. I remember how she rested her head on my shoulder, watching the still ocean water with the port docked ships in view. I was worried that I'm out of time, but she told me that her dad finished college at around 45 or something, same as mine. Her family lives a sheltered happy life. I wonder how he did it. The only rush I am in right now is to get out of this town and not come back to the streets that have no love for a boy who only wants more. But what will happen to me. I think I've got the plan down. Work for the next 2 years, Take up a certain college course that I want to take in Manila at some university with a name. Hell, I might as well just try to get in right? There is this one person who set my life straight, not by pushing or prodding, but by having faith in me that I can be better than I am now. I just need to level up and unlock the necessary skillZ. My fear of being older was taken away. Oh but I am also illiterate yet constantly pushed to write in something I haven't updated in a year. I'd read more books if I was given a place to read and buy them. Paper is comforting, Soothing. That musty smell and the ink is something special. Do I tend to dwell too much on small things? Is that a bad habit? I think a lot of people view me as retarded and delusional. I make more masturbation jokes then what is deemed healthy I guess. I noticed something, I am a god damn saint in video games that give you moral choices. Like in Mass Effect 2, Star Wars Knights Of The Old Republic and the like. I laugh at the actions I can do, like running my lightsaber through the unsuspecting civilian, but I instead choose to help them cross the street. And I can't help it. The mission would be over quicker if I just shoot the captive criminal in the head instead of asking them who their leader is, But I just can't do it. I have a 50% paragon rating in Mass Effect 2 now, In Fallout 3 I didn't I disarmed the Nuke in Megaton and I tried to save everyone in the vault. But in real life, I don't give money to street children and I laugh when someone spills milk. I don't think I'm an uber asshole though. Probably more Chaotic Neutral. But in video games? Sheesh. I'm a runner up for the next pope. Only the lonesome love us. Only the careless can handle us. I'm not sad anymore. I'm just tired of this place. Not throwing stones at you anymore. Used to be one of the rotten ones and he liked you for that. Now you're all gone, Got your make up on and you're not coming back. This is an essay on someone who is just fucked up in their head. I guess. Or maybe this is just what honesty is really like.

Piano (Also, I'm sorry blogspot)

*NOTE THIS WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED ON MY FACEBOOK ON NOV 18*

I want to talk about this one girl for a bit. Shes quite awesome you see. We were friends for awhile and thanks to facebook we started talking a bit again after a year of not talking to each other.

A week before I went to olongapo to start my new student life I bought a sun sim to keep in touch with my then-girlfriend and browsed friendster to check out profiles of people that lived at the area. You know, I didnt want to go to a new town with no one to hang out with or whatever and maybe get a little heads up of how the city life is like over there. This one particular girl who I barely knew at the time posted something up on the bulletin boards saying she has a new sim number. So I click her profile and well what do you know shes from olongapo. Allright cool, Commented on her profile and said something like "yo dawg im totally going to go ball busting at the citeh dawg ayt ayt shawty wheres the nearest starbucz?" or soemthing like that to which she kindly replied, Oh yeah sure we can text. So then we started texting for a bit and I saw this other girl on her list who was from olongapo and I started talking to her a bit too. Then I asked the awesome girl "So whos this hot chick over here dawg shes like so uber fine shawty" To which she kindly replied "Oh that hoebag? Avoid her she has herpes. Shes like the youngest slut ever and banged more guys then me". So I stopped talking to girl 2 because well, Herpes is bad (wasnt my plan to get laid anyway, More on that later). So me and awesome girl started talking and whatever and I moved to olongapo and didnt show up to her for my first 4 months there I think.

Met some people at the school and well, I asked them if they knew Michelle Clobes because well, Mitch looked scene and knows the band I was thinking, maybe these scene-y looking guys know her and , This is where I learned that the city is small, Yeah theyre friends with her bf and hes going to the school to hang out with them. Later. So I met the guy and, no offense Mitch, But first thing I noticed about him was He looked like a less buff miniature pacquiao. So what came to my mind was "god damn this shawty mitch, shes got a heart of gold bling ayt yo".

3 months later I finally grew the balls to go out there and meet Michelle. I mean, When I say "grew balls" I really do mean like, I woke up, found something weird in my pants and when I checked it while peeing it fucking glowed with a magnificent light you only see when you get the hookshot in the treasure chest from the Legend of Zelda games. It was awesome till I noticed it wouldnt stop glowing. I had no awesome shirt to wear and my hair was a mess since I bleached it blonde. Worse, Wed be meeting at her high school. and yeah. oh god. It was cool hanging out at the canteen with you mitch and I still have that picture.

We talked alot. About everything really. And one night she was having problems with her then BF. I remember asking her "Yo mitch my dawg fo fizzle gizzle no mizzle fizzle?" *Hey, anything I can do to help out?* and she said "yeah, Lets get over to Nice place and find marwin, Can you bring your car?". So there I go driving to her place in the middle of her night, getting lost, circling round her place 5 times looking for her and not getting what she was telling me on where she was and the 7th time I circled I saw her sitting at the curb. Kinda not hard to see her since like my balls, She glows in the fucking dark. I see her, I pull up next to her, She opens the door and fucking triple somersaults in and we fly to nice place. Yeah shes awesome, shes like half American half shinobi master ninja or something. I look at her, she looks at me all awkward and stuff and I said " You do realize your still getting in a car with a stranger?" She said meh, I trust you.

We land at nice place and well, Nice place is like the most emo place of all since all the scene kids drink there so lotsa drama would be happening that night. I go in there with mitch and she finds her bf, gives her something and says to me lets go. So there I am driving, almost halfway to her place and the guy texts me to please please please come back. I show mitch the message and she tells me oh god lets hurry over to the place. I get there pretty fast and you know its pretty fast when you drive around the area and you feel like your driving over the moon and all your clothes in the back goes flying everywhere. Her then-BF wasnt there though and his friends are telling us he ran , like, seriously he ran chasing the van when we first left and could still be chasing us. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit oh look, Hes coming towards us already. Damn hes good. And then mitch and him hug and cry or whatever and I smoke and watch the scene, cant help but laugh since michelle kinda has to bend forward to hug him right.

I think they broke up soon after that. yeah im pretty sure they did coz me and him were talking about it, and his cousins place was close to my dads pad and I dropped by and oh my god the apartment was littered with pringles, lays, taco left overs and MOTHER FUCKING EXTREME EXPRESSO PIZZA HOW THE FUCK DO YOU JUST LET THAT LAY AROUND LIKE THAT EAT IT ALL UP MOTHER FUCK OHMGWTF. Oh yeah, he was a mess. I think he was high too. Oh yeah, he did kinda get high right in front of me when I went there. Not sure what he took but it involved injecting himself. He and his cousin asked me to stay the night and watch movies so I did but they fell asleep first. So yeah ate the whole pizza. It was morning and I just couldnt sleep but I didnt want to be rude and just leave and not say anything or wake them up so I did the old school romansa way and left a note on the bed saying I had to go. After that I heard stories that he was getting more and more self destructive. And mitch was getting more and more sad coz she didnt have anyone to hang out with anymore since everybodys friends with her ex.

But what the fuck, I had friends too that didnt hang out with him and weve been talking alot by that time. I asked her if she wanted to hang out and goof around and meet new people and drive on base to which she agreed to. Yeah fuck that hot day. I was late and when I got to the meeting point, there were the dudes and there was mitch moping around being anti social and looking cool by smoking. After some awkward introductions we drove over to Dutyfree to look for sugar free koolaid to dye my hair then we hung out at our exclusive spot at the petron gas station and drank a bit despite the afternoon heat. I hoped what I did for her at that time helped her get out of her rut.

Oh man mitch, remember the time we went to see that free concert and we picked you up and Pj was really creepy and I was all sad over jois? man what a night.

And then you surprised me by showing up at my apartment? Quiapo told me he'll bring his new girl to the place and well what do you know, you show up.

And when all the shit broke down you stood by my side. you stood by me and jois' side. You made sure me and jois stayed allright. Sometimes Id come home to find you and jois drinking gin and having fun.

And then you had to leave my side, but came back to me to open my eyes on the faults that I did, and the fault thatad she did which made me leave her?

And the time you told me to make myself useful and jump off a cliff? man.

You and me, we had some good times and some bad times. Your like, one of my favorite friends to hang out with even though I didnt talk too much. I was there for your shitty times, And you were there for mine. and after that we didnt talk at all. until when was that, last month or 2? Yeah when you added me here I was wary that this was some ploy or whatever. I msged you and reminded both of us of that shitty moment but you and your heart full of gold bling said that meh, whatever, its over. lets start this over again. lets just reset. It took of a really heavy weight off my shoulders because honestly, I missed you. And im being gross and cheesy and gushy on the god damn internet so yeah sorry. But I felt like writing this down ever since this morning. You know, coz those were some really good times we had dude. Right now, I wish I had you at my side , smoking somewhere having a bottle between us and just talking, especially at this point of time in my life. I mean, You and me, we used to talk about absolutely everything, even our first times getting laid.

Plus I think it was around this time that we first started talking online. So yeah, where ever you are, stay safe and happy, keep it real, keep loving. and you deserve the best. Great friend she is.

See you in December? :)

Manipulated

There's this show that were gonna play at somewhere in this small town I live in. April 10 will be the day that Orion finally gets a gig happening. 28 bands lined up. People new to the scene and the veterans under one roof. Everybody's getting ready for this and you can see it if you've been passing by my house lately, where the garage is the place to practice for a few young bands.

Ive been doing this band thing since I was 15 and I have a total of 7 pics to show of it. I woke up and checked my online social things to see whats up and the thing that caught my eye were the hundreds of pictures people have of themselves playing at a show or in the practice studio. Some even have group pictures of the band that's been photoshopped to have the name on the band on the picture. They try to make all this fuss to people that they have a band yet all they do are covers of the latest trends.

I don't encourage people to take pictures of me when I'm doing something, so ugly to look at. When I sing on stage or on the floor or in the garage of someones place, I do it with all of my heart, not for the cameras, not for street cred. Sometimes not even for the audience. I have to let it out sometimes and for me its the only place where I can just let it pour. I jump and stomp the ground, I shake my head as I try to get the memories out, I claw at my chest as it burns and pangs with the thought that this could be the last time Ill be heard again. I scream and yell and I fall to the floor as my legs give in and when my knees touch the ground I remember when I begged for a little more time. Its not a pretty sight.

Its really not.

Whatever you choose

Before I go talk about how awesome Paramore was last night, I think I should acknowledge the fact that Callalilly is a great band too and deserves the front act spot because of their hard work, honest music and god granted talent. Allright, now the only people reading this are the callalilly fans, So, guys, your favorite band blew balls, and the only reason they got to front paramore last night was because of the 3 months worth of corporate dick sucking. And hint, It involves gay nigerian pedophiles.

Yeah, I was at the Paramore live in manila concert last night and I went because I got to go in free front row because a friend of mine knew someone, who knew someone who knew someone that could get us in free of charge and also, man its paramore. I've been listening to them since their first album and I've been liking them ever since. Except for this one time in my life. Ill get to that later.

Okay so Callalilly fronted them last night and I saw 3/4s of the crowd just texting, listening to something else on their iPod, or shouting for paramore to get on the stage and play. I mean, seriously, of all the bands why them. They didn't even really play since they were too busy being cute to the crowd and to the main event.

It was my first time at the concert grounds of "The biggest mall in all of asia" and man is that area huge and geez what a crowd. I think the whole place was packed. It was kinda boring though if you wanted to walk around the place (we couldnt go out, We ninja'd our way in). There was a mcdonalds stall, a drink stall, a merch tent with the 3 shirts, a cd stall, a mcdo stall, and a water stall and that was it. Hayley pointed out that there were so many mcdonalds stalls that it was funny amazing. But wtf, no fries. seriously. what gives. Ok, so being in the gold/vip section it was pretty much filled with rich kids or rich kids for the night, or theives. or college hookers. Oh and alot of people were speaking pretty good english for some reason. and if someone bumped into you, or me since I'm big, they'd grab your arm and say sorry 50 times in 8 seconds before going away. And there was lonelyboi6_9 too. I don't really know who he is but I should give him a name if Im going to talk about this guy. So throughout the night I noticed this guy was always about 15 feet away from me. If I'd go away from the crowd to smoke a cigarette, When I'd turn to face the stage, there he was, just wandering around. I went to check the tshirts at the merch booth, and there he was at the other end of the table checking the shirts. When I checked out the cd stall, after 5 minutes of me leaving the stall he was there checking the cds. And it looked like he went to the show with no one. Maybe he was looking for someone to hang with. Maybe I shouldnt be laughing about his lonely situation. Maybe I should be creeped out. Maybe he wasnt even following me and it was just a coincidence that he would be everywhere I would go. But thats just who lonelyboi6_9 is. just wandering, looking for someone to talk to. But why me?

Paramore fans are really passionate for their favorite band, going crazy as soon as hayley went on stage, having banners asking hayley to go out with them to the ball to which hayley said on mic that shes never been to one and telling her bandmates that she has a date in manila, people going nuts throughout the night because theyve been waiting for 5 years to watch the band play. Reminds me of a girl who we'll call

They played alot of songs from their new album which of course every band does. I just wish they'd play more of the older songs since its their first time to play here. When I watched thursday and trivium they played new and old songs equally and all three have had 4 albums released. I heard people shouting for Emergency to be played and all we know is falling but the setlist is set and thats all they could play. Probably due also to the time restraint they had due to the concert area closing around the same time that the mall closes. There was also a tweet I saw awhile ago by some local celebrity saying that the organizers should never do another event. And really, callalilly fronting? despite this, overall it was a great show since the band gave it their all on stage, really going crazy, thanking the crowd so many times, calling the company theyre on crazy for only getting them to manila just now and hinting that theyll be back soon. Hayley also crowd surfed for awhile but had to be forcefully pulled away from the crowd since she was pretty much being raped.

Okay thats a lie. Thats kind of my day dream though.

Five years since the first album. Its been that long and times moved that fast. I remember being pretty much the only one among my peers in bataan that knew the band. I remember putting their video on my ipod and 5 bands in olongapo covering their songs and how they were kids when they first played at warped tour. There was that time when I didnt want to hear from them anymore though. There was that time when you'd hear Pressure being played on the phones of girls at jollibee, people copying the image of the band, people getting known for playing their songs and such. But over the years everyone has matured, hayley finally has a love song out and the crowd didnt have the gutter look they had years ago. I think. Because there are some annoying hayley fans that think theyre the only ones who have the right to copy her image. Thats annoying. Also more annoying is the fact that the person cant pull it off anyway. The frontlady is around my age and that kinda scares me because people say that people will take notice of what you do if you just do what you love to do and show it, but when I look at other people around my age that has the same passion and have great musical skill, they still have to work a 9- job just to make ends meet. Just sing your heart out and they will listen they say, Well I know people that have done it and never got anything out of it. I guess you have to factor in the image thing and radio play and that blows especially since I know people that are 26 who are great bandmates that still has to depend on doing showband sets to be able to get some cash while doing the music thing. Watching known bands is inspiring and for me sad at the same time. Especially when its callalilly.

Yeah I have to work on my writing more, this is kind of a rush job since I thought I'd try to experiment with the surroundings by hanging at Shanes place instead of mine. I had to type this down as soon as possible since the words could vanish after sleep, which I think is a sign of weakness. Oh, and the fanzine I write for will be up and running again after my friend graduates and can get to it. I cant write an opening, I cant write a closing, Its all about whats in between for me. Kinda reflects my personality, shy at first, and I cant let go.

So yeah, good night. Just wish I couldve been with more of my friends and got to go shopping for that cap I want, but I got to watch paramore. And I know a couple of people that wouldve killed anyone, especially me to be able to watch the show up front and personal. I enjoyed it alot thank you. If they come here again, Ill still go.

Dreaming

For the past couple of weeks Ive had daydreams of this wonderful girl and our story. It has no start or beginning though since I do not know how I will meet this person. Equally insane and intelligent. A beauty in my eyes. A rare person and we'd move to live with each other and everyday would be a hazy dream with the question floating above us asking "Is this all real?". Yeah the dream girl scenario is awesome and scary. And quite sad because shes just that. A dream girl. And how often have I dreamed of events that will be so grand and spectacular, None ever came true. At the end of my blissful thoughts and my cigarettes it all comes back to me again, that Dream girl really is a dream. But I can't give up hope. She is out there. Maybe? Hopefully. but maybe not.

Facebook killed this

I am so sorry blogspot for hurting your feelings :( From now on Ill put down all my longform notes here mkay?

Yeah nobody likes being tagged anyway.