Survivors guilt.

Most days and nights I just want to leave her and vanish from her memory. It isn't because she can be a terrible person at times or because I want someone else. It's because I seriously doubt that I can be the one who she needs later on, because last week I made her feel horrible with stupid decisions I make everyday. Because she really deserves the best person to be matched with her. In all the ways that she is good and beyond what most people can be, she deserves only the best. To be with someone who can help her climb out of the dark holes that will keep appearing in time. To be with someone who can only hug and kiss her when she's yelling and cursing. To be someone as equally bright and warm. To be someone who can express their deepest feelings for her in the most awesome ways possible. I want to leave her because of me, yes that is true and I'm not afraid to admit that, because I've been leaving myself and I've been heartless for far too long. I'm just weak and I can't stand the fact that she has been with me while I'm fading away. She is the last person I can be in love with and I'd like it to stay that way. I just hope I'm not the last person she'll love because that would be the greatest wrongdoing I could ever do. Yet right now I miss her and I wish she was in my arms now. She doesn't need to be with a mental and emotional paralytic. She wants me but I can't even want myself to want myself to stay for her. I'm a wreck that isn't going to be helped by me or them. But I miss her in my arms and yet I don't.