Feb - May 2015

Hi. I am undeserving of posting anything about my mother today because I am the shame of this household. Last night I was drinking with Uncle Glen, Kuya Larry and 'lil sister Elaineyboo and the thing that was on my mind during that time was how people say and show that they love me when I am undeserving of their love and appreciation. I was told that I am smart. I do not know any smart person that has no future. Bias. I do not know any smart person that blanks out while thinking of their next simple words. I do not know any smart person who doesn't know where home is and who they are. I need to go and prove it, that I know. I do not have the smarts to afford my own tuition. I really don't understand why Uncle Glen thinks that I can just go with him to San Diego this year. Greatest achievements I have accomplished in the past 5 years of my life are as follows. None.

I know that I am fucked but I don't want to stay this way. Nobody does. Non of this self medicating stuff helps. No amount of reading glowy uplifting posts or articles have truly lifted my spirit. No amount of sound has made me feel at peace and no amount of my own work has ever pleased myself, Even though I only have myself to please. Songwriting is something that I'm probably going to drop. Writing too. Being a twitch tv streamer too. Being a musician too and those things are my only hobbies now. Music and games. I don't think I ever had another hobby and now I'm losing it. What does it feel like to be incompetent at everything I've touched. I'd never fall in love again since I have proven that I just cannot. I look at social media pictures of people who I shouldn't see and I see the progress and happiness in their lives and in their moments. A thousand pictures of self help confidence. The last I took was when. I read lyrics of my favorite singers and I just cannot meet that level. No matter how well I think I did. Should I even care? Yes. I kind of want to be a part of that little cult of writers who people have obsessed over. Who hears the breath and gasps between words of knowing and fear. I can't seem to write like them. I can't seem to write like myself. I don't know what that means anymore.

I lost a friend while trying to fight my harmful self. The one day I decided not to check my phone so I wouldn't get depressed over empty inboxes with full outboxes, I get the text that its his daughters baptism. I read it 2 days later. after that we just stopped talking. 10 years of being his friend. Gone in one day because I tried to fight depression. I'm just destined for this.

 Was pulled away from the computer by Kuya Larry since he just sat next to me. Now I have to drive to Balanga with Elaine.

Resume post on 5/25/2015

I took Elaine to balanga to get the car ready for her roadtrip with her friends. She asked me if I was really going to San Diego with her. I told her I don't deserve it. I'd like to go though but I just don't deserve it.

A wedding happened, and relatives from the states left. I cried as soon as I got home. I felt like I was a part of something for the first time in a long time. When they left, I felt that I was left out again.

I won't be able to celebrate my birthday again. 4th time in a row.

I'll only have the money to buy a new pc if I work 2 jobs for 6 months.

I'll try to record my first and last songs on wednesday.

I've lost the will to live again.