im very tired and i dont want to live for much longer

I think it's time to chase a ghost of my past.

I don't have pictures with my family because I am the shame of the family. I don't want them to have to deal with the disgrace of being related to me. Simple as that.

I will learn to love myself

Well I celebrated it and it was great. Pizza from 2 different places and a slice of cake. Ron all the way. Stephen was great. Jerk joined when we bumped on the street. Rust came down.

In order to create, I must destroy myself. How do I destroy myself; who I have been burning, wrecking, starving, hating, loathing, killing, ruining, losing myself and whatever word describes the action of taking away lovers from my own self and all chances of being in the safety of a lovers arms and heart, a home. How do you burn ash. How can you erase a void. Where do you see, feel, a home that was torn down, with nothing left to have it called a home. How can you set yourself on fire when there is nothing left to burn. How do you delete nothing.

Does this mean that in order for me to create, I should love myself? Since the antithesis of hate is love? But how do you love something that has nothing of meaning and how can love exist in this shell from me when all my love was given away, stolen, broken and unheard.
It even kills me more. The thought where I know that there is nothing in me that can salvage warm thoughts to use on myself.

I woke up late in the afternoon and the first thought that came was that I'm not able to celebrate my birthday tomorrow. The world runs on money and popularity and I'm incapable of being a part of it. I cried for a good hour before I stopped.

"I haven't celebrated my birthday for the past 3 years due to logistics, money, and not being cool and popular enough. But there are more people who cannot celebrate because they live on the streets so I shouldn't dwell on my own feels so much. 
It would be nice this time though because I made it past "That year". It would be nice because it's a nice thing to remind myself of that something. It would be nice to know that people celebrate the fact that I was born into their world. But I doubt I can celebrate it this year, again. 
AHBD to everyone on a June 23. You are loved."

Facebook stat. Papansin lang ako.

This is me and Raph Matawaran talking. in 2010, 8. Something. I pressed published before posting when exactly this happened.

Me:

Raph Matawaran:

what happ?
Me:

im just in the point of my life where i realize ill most likely die alone unsatisfied
Raph Matawaran:

unsatisfied of?
Me:

unsatisfied with how my life was spent
Raph Matawaran:

you joking. you got everything. you're just lazy and distracted.
Me:

i got everything?
Raph Matawaran:

half-everything. not so bad.
Me:

are you talking about material things like money and a house?
Raph Matawaran:

nope. you got family and friends. a future ahead.
Me:

let me tell you about my friends

its a long one

you ready for this?

go pee and get cigarettes

ima do the same thing
Raph Matawaran:

i don't smoke. you can scratch my balls.
Me:

i smoke reds now coz lights dont do it for me anymore

coz i smoke way too muchthese days
Raph Matawaran:

tsk

tell me the story.
Me:

i remember jois gave me awarning that itll happen

the morning where i took her home after the night we broke up

told me to cut down smoking coz im starting to smoke too much

guess i should have listened to her

i asked her a 2 months ago if i was worth the time

it took her days to answer no

i wasnt

the past few weeks ive been asking rapi if he wants to bring back ethema

because for me, that was my favorite band

and russel, rowley, jeboy, and jp were my favorite people to make music with

rapi said sure

but nothings happening

i went out to ask the best drummer and guitarist in the whole bataan scene to help out

and i told rapi i got them

and he said cool

but nothing still happened

i emailed a girl who is just so awesome

id love to be with her even as just a friend

she stopped talking to me on jan

i sent the email 3 weeks ago

never got a word from her

here at bataan im always the tag alon g or god forbid, the transportaion for the party

thats almost the only time im with people

i guy who knows me asked me to sing and play guitar for his band

i like him too, i agreed, i wrote and filled a 3rd of a notebook

when he got back from manila for this vacation, he never mentioned the thing to me

and i found out hes always with other cooler people

jeff thinks im lame coz i hang with his exgf

arvin has a kid

shanes leaving for austrailia soon,

shanes the only person i have left

yet hes never with me when i need someone

i only see him once a week, maybe more if i go to the skate spot

my little sister just graduated nursing

my younger brother went up on stage passing highschool, something i havent done. I wasnt on the stage during my end of highschool coz the math teacher made sure of that

i failed and had to take up summer school

before graduation, i was not told by anyone that there were these exams i can take to figure out what college i could get into, not told by classmates, not told by teachers

imagine going to class and theres only 5 people out of 40, then finding out that they were taking college entrance exams

my dad thinks joining the navy is the best for me

but i hate it.

what i really want to do is be able to live without all this corporate stuff around me, i dont know, set up a clothing line or skate shop, or record label

hell, even play gigs for a living, just depend on talent fee

the past few weeks ive realized im not creative enough to suceed i think.

i dont have the best voice

i cant draw

i cant write what other people in this year call a decent song

i dont have the image they want

i try to ignore that and forge on ahead

i take myself out of the circle of people i usually hang out with to see if theyll look for me or visit me

they dont

ive

lived life not being scared of the future

and now for the first time, im deathly afraid

i text rapi asking if he wants to go out and drink, even though im at bataan ill use my moms car to hang out with him

he never replies to those texts

im lost and alone now

ive failed everything i tried to be good at

i dont know how to finish this thing i told you
Raph Matawaran:

i dunno. but for me, the next best thing is to get listed, get some money and do the things you wanna do like the skate shop or record label. you'll meet new people along the way too. get new connections. it'll work out.

you just need to give up these things for now. make a sacrifice. it'll turn out on your favor someday.

sometimes, you need to do the things you hate to be able to fulfill the things you love doing.

that's responsibility.

and you need some of it.

life is hard. a struggle. we should learn how to cope.

i know you'll be able to pull it off somehow.
Me:

did you think our band was good?

i mean, you made art for us

and you know, its like, a sign of appreciatin if im not mistaken
Raph Matawaran:

i haven't heard you play yet.
Me:

shit

haha

allright
Raph Matawaran:

move. mongs.
Me:

i think

im scared that if i dont strike now, later on what i love doing will be irrelevant, and itll fail again
Raph Matawaran:

what are you striking for? people doesn't talk to you.

either you set up your own one-man-band or keep on insisting of forming ethema.

mongs, these guys got girlfriends and jobs. offer them something worth their time.

make something interesting. something new.

and then approach them again.

nobody wants to play the same kind of sound other bands are playing. esp. when it sounds like the same as their other bands.
Me:

man, if only i knew how to play everything it would be so much easier. hehe. but unfortunatly i cant. i try though.
Raph Matawaran:

be a rapper.
Me:

dude then ill be a freaking scene hopper

no fucking wayu

hahah

hmm

where have i heard this before

my problems arent that big compared to everyone else and it makes me feel sad feeling this bad in the first place

i dont know

whatever

dude , thanks for sitting and reading all this bullshit ive typed

thank you for hearing me out
Raph Matawaran:

no need to thank me. things will turn up great,
Me:

i can

fuck i shouldnt even use the word hope

hope is a word used by people who wish things will go out great even though they know they dont have much control over the outcome
Raph Matawaran:

is that pathetic?
Me:

no

no its not

because at the same time hope gives people the extra push they need

i honestly miss rapi

so fucking much

and shane and aaron
Raph Matawaran:

tell him that.
Me:

you know hes anti gay

when the fuck are you coming back

its been how many years already
Raph Matawaran:

this year. i'll let you know.

mid-month.

sorry.

midyear,
Me:

awesome