Feb - May 2015

Hi. I am undeserving of posting anything about my mother today because I am the shame of this household. Last night I was drinking with Uncle Glen, Kuya Larry and 'lil sister Elaineyboo and the thing that was on my mind during that time was how people say and show that they love me when I am undeserving of their love and appreciation. I was told that I am smart. I do not know any smart person that has no future. Bias. I do not know any smart person that blanks out while thinking of their next simple words. I do not know any smart person who doesn't know where home is and who they are. I need to go and prove it, that I know. I do not have the smarts to afford my own tuition. I really don't understand why Uncle Glen thinks that I can just go with him to San Diego this year. Greatest achievements I have accomplished in the past 5 years of my life are as follows. None.

I know that I am fucked but I don't want to stay this way. Nobody does. Non of this self medicating stuff helps. No amount of reading glowy uplifting posts or articles have truly lifted my spirit. No amount of sound has made me feel at peace and no amount of my own work has ever pleased myself, Even though I only have myself to please. Songwriting is something that I'm probably going to drop. Writing too. Being a twitch tv streamer too. Being a musician too and those things are my only hobbies now. Music and games. I don't think I ever had another hobby and now I'm losing it. What does it feel like to be incompetent at everything I've touched. I'd never fall in love again since I have proven that I just cannot. I look at social media pictures of people who I shouldn't see and I see the progress and happiness in their lives and in their moments. A thousand pictures of self help confidence. The last I took was when. I read lyrics of my favorite singers and I just cannot meet that level. No matter how well I think I did. Should I even care? Yes. I kind of want to be a part of that little cult of writers who people have obsessed over. Who hears the breath and gasps between words of knowing and fear. I can't seem to write like them. I can't seem to write like myself. I don't know what that means anymore.

I lost a friend while trying to fight my harmful self. The one day I decided not to check my phone so I wouldn't get depressed over empty inboxes with full outboxes, I get the text that its his daughters baptism. I read it 2 days later. after that we just stopped talking. 10 years of being his friend. Gone in one day because I tried to fight depression. I'm just destined for this.

 Was pulled away from the computer by Kuya Larry since he just sat next to me. Now I have to drive to Balanga with Elaine.

Resume post on 5/25/2015

I took Elaine to balanga to get the car ready for her roadtrip with her friends. She asked me if I was really going to San Diego with her. I told her I don't deserve it. I'd like to go though but I just don't deserve it.

A wedding happened, and relatives from the states left. I cried as soon as I got home. I felt like I was a part of something for the first time in a long time. When they left, I felt that I was left out again.

I won't be able to celebrate my birthday again. 4th time in a row.

I'll only have the money to buy a new pc if I work 2 jobs for 6 months.

I'll try to record my first and last songs on wednesday.

I've lost the will to live again.

Today, without knowing it until I remembered what this feeling was like, I wanted to end my life.

Oh look some cola :D

I don't want to make it past 27. I'm too incompetent for this world. I've known that for years.

Today I felt down. I couldn't find a game to play and I couldn't find the will to talk to whoever she is on the phone. I spent the day in bed. It was an unproductive day today and that made me feel bad I guess.  I tried to find anything to keep me entertained but there was only the stream of Hercules Mode and his childhood stories of fake jumping and then getting real jumped that kept me entertained. Even for a little bit. I wanted to get a haircut though but I looked at myself and figured that I didn't need one yet.

Last night I felt like I don't ever want to be steady with another girl ever again. Pretty girls fear me. Meeting them wrecks me. With the standards that we have today, I don't fit in. I like them a lot though and I wish I could kiss whoever I can or be the one sought after. I'm weird though and none of those pretty girls have time to get into my head. No one ever seems to have the time to know other people these days. I told her that I think I want to spend a whole year of not having dates or crushes and pursuing them. It didn't matter, We barely know each other.

I hope I don't feel empty tomorrow. I have to finish that song. Maybe that's why I don't feel okay today. I haven't had my guitar for 2 days and ever since I started playing again, that's what I have been doing with any downtime that I have. Now that it's with Jimjo for the time being, I haven't dont much of anything. There's that Bass guitar though and I should be practicing on that instead. So why haven't I.

To be not in love with another girl seems like a daunting project. Is it? or is it just this feeling that I have. Maybe It's just today, Or maybe I need to do it to completely get better. I don't think there ever was a year where i was just completely by myself with no one wanting me in their arms and me wanting to be in someone elses arms.

Today I felt lonely. But I'm not sure why.

Do you know what happened. We were the sweetest awkward people. We weren't anything at first but
I guess we tried out this thing that we both know we wouldn't go very far in. It was my heads thoughts about me and it was your hearts attachment to him that pushed us both away. It was my hands that needed warmth for a week and it was your feet wanting to get away from the room you once both slept in. We're terrible at times but aren't we just lost all the same. Or maybe I just tried this new thing called being selfish and in the end, we both just lost to it.

I've been doing badly these past 4 days. I don't know why.

where were you when I was willing to say goodbye to everything (die)

I just don't feel affection for you anymore. You forgot me while I was in my worst state for months. Do you know how much I missed you during that time. A lot. A whole fucking lot. But that's over now. It's gone. Even though we saw each other and hugged unlike bros, That close friendship feeling that we used to have or that I used to feel is gone. Look at what He did, He made sure that I was not alone every night and he's miles away. Get the game on and play we're gonna get better at this, You and me. We never did though but damnit he made sure that I was always talking to someone when I was trapped under my own self, hiding in my room. He never asked what happened and I honestly don't want to tell everybody the story. This distance that we had did not keep us away. He's in another town and you're just a few miles away. But where were you when I just wanted to be completely gone. Just, There.